I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
