Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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