So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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