Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
