My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
