we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
