WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
