I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
