is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
