My cat gives me a boner
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
