I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
