If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
