I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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