My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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