ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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