so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
