I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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