well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
