the condom got lost in my hair
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
