if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
