I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I want a musical about memes.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
