we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize