im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
