I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
