Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
