he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
