Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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