my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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