I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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