my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
