I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
