final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
