My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize