I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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