if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
