When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
