So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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