its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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