she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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