got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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