Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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