I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
