my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So squirting runs in the family.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
this is an emotional support booty call
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
