toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
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