im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
