Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
