Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
