Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
