My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize