Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
