I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
