I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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