The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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