omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
