"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
