your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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