We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
