Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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