They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I touched a dick in church today
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
