and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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