How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
