Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
