don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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