3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
