his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
