You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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