party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
