All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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