i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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