I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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